I'm a 28 year old young woman still trying to find my way. Working on getting this being a grown-up thing right...hoping that I make all the right decisions...or at least learn from the bad ones...Be Blessed!
So I didn't post a thing all summer. Thats so like me, that I'm not even surprised. I'm so wishy-washy when it comes to writing. I have this dream of writing this best-seller, but i don't actually ever sit down to focus on it. Maybe one day when I have lived a little more.
SO I turned 28, 3 weeks ago, and I keep forgetting. hehe, I have to remind myself that I am not 27 anymore. I don't feel any different. Its crazy because i get older every year, and I expect to feel something, and I never do. It's hilarious and disappointing at the same time. But either way, I'm so Blessed and thankful, that i was allowed to live another year on earth. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, and I thank God that I'm still breathing.
my emotions are all over the place...once again...sometimes being a Virgo and a woman is a curse...i mean for real...right about now every thing got me misty eyed...ugh...i hate this.....its so freakin annoying to feel something about everything....geesh...
So it was a whole month, one whole month, before he made an effort to call me. I mean he missed Valentine's day and everything...He couldn't really expect me to just return his phone calls. Ugh Im so freakin torn, because i know in my head and deep in my heart that he aint the one for me...and he dont always treat me the way i deserve to be treated...yet i miss him...this shit is crazy...but im stickin to it this time...i gotta move on...i deserve better, and i'm going to get better....Right now, I'm focusing on me, and only me...that means every aspect of me...
I want to be fulfilled in life, and right now I'm not...I dont really like my job, I dont like my living situation....i wanna go back to school, and get my degree...I wanna travel...I have been trying to figure out how some people just take a year off from working....because if i can figure that out...thats what i'm going to do...i just wanna do some of the things i been meaning to do before I get to old or tired to do them....i know these things take money, and that why i wanna finish my degree, so i can do better things...
But definitely Today...I am changing my outlook....
I dont know what's gonna happen thats alright with me...i open up my arms and I embrace the mystery....Life is what you make it.....
I cant say have ever had a very special awesome Valentine's Day...my most memorable was my freshman year in college...my Auntie surprised me and my roommate with balloons, candy, cards and stuffed animals...it was the best...because everyone was looking like "dang, where they get all that stuff from..." I felt so good....lol.... She always gave the best V-day gifts...thanks Aunt Joyce...I love you....
I have had few more nice V-day's...including one where i got gifts from 2 guys...how awesome is that...lol...a huge bouquet of flowers, dinner and a card from one ( a guy who i had been seeing for about 5 months, but it wasn't a real huge connection between us) and a single rose, and teddy bear, from the other ( the connection and the spark was so intense you could see from a mile away, and i had only known him for a month) It was interesting...the latter won out, because he wasnt trying so hard...and he only wanted to spend some time with me...so no extras needed....
I just want some time.....thats usually all i'm asking for...the flowers, candy, going out doesnt mean much to me, if you not taking time out to just be with me....a phone call every now and then, dropping by to say HI, genuinely wanting to be in my presence...those things are priceless...
The second guy won out because he knew i was going out to dinner with this guy, he came by brought my rose, and my bear...and said call me....no anger, just a smile...when he saw the bouquet the other guy gave me, he looked sad...whose heart wouldnt melt at that sign of emotion from a man...i called him when i got home from dinner...and we chilled for the rest of the night...thats it...just chilled, talked, watched movies....and i had an awesome time....
So fellas if you reading this..and you wondering what your girl really want from you....more than likely, it's just your time...cause material things come a dime a dozen, but time is so precious, you cant get that back once you miss your opportunity.... Dont miss yours!!!!
I just finished watching Seven Pounds and it got me thinking. I cant imagine being that in love and losing it twice. It was so hard to even watch, how could i live with that. I loved someone that much, and it hurt like hell to lose him. He didn't die or anything, but at the time it felt like apart of me did. It hurts when you realize the person you love with all your heart don't love you the same way. I took me 4 years to see it...off and on... we tried to work it out. I could have prevented it, but love is so blind. It will have you hoping and believing in things that are not true. You see things so different when you love someone. On many occasions he told me that he didn't think he was ready for the relationship i wanted, he didn't think he loved me like i loved him. He even sat me down, after i asked how he truly felt, and told me that he loved me but he wasn't in love with me. It broke my heart, into a million pieces, and stupid me, I still went back. Hoping that it would change, that I could make him love me. Right after the break up I thought it was so pathetic of me, to be so in love with someone who don't love me back. But as time passed, I realized that he missed out. Yea I got my issues, but I'm a damn good catch. He just wasn't the one I thought he was. He was a lesson, i learned alot about myself, and i learned alot about what I want in a relationship. I want someone to trust me, not to judge me because of my past, to love me unconditionally, to make me feel like being is their life is the best thing that happened to them. Its taken me a while to get back my heart back to a point where i can think about him, and not get sad. Yea it still hurts, and the love is still there, but I know that was not a healthy relationship. I think if things were different we could have stayed friends, but there was no way i would be able to stay in contact and heal at the same time. You know that saying " People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime", I want a lifetime Its been almost 2 years, and i have moved on. But getting hurt, affects you alot, and you don't realize it until you meet someone you like, but cant open your heart to them because you afraid what happened before will happen again. I wanna know what good love feels like.... I wanna know what 2 way love feels like.... I need to know what it feels like to be adored, cherished, honored.... I want someone love me ....
I started this blog...thinking "this is it, i'm really going to stick to this" and what did I do. I straight abandoned it. WOW, thats why I no longer do New Year's resolutions, because I will abandon it if even slightly gets too tedious. I got a lot on my mind, probably because my friend is visiting and i'm feeling all emotional and crap. TMI, oh well dont read it, if you dont wanna hear it.
Honestly, I dont really stick to much anymore. If its not something I been doing, and I dont love it, its out the window. I have learned something about myself in 2009. It's that i dont have the drive, the passion I used to. I'm feeling really uninvolved, i really just dont care about too many things. If you are not important, or the task at hand is not #1 in my life, I cant get into it. I been looking for something for years now, and I think i know what it is. I just wanna do what makes me happy. I want to be fulfilled with life, with my job. And I'm not, my job is not fulfilling, its not even sustaining, I need a second job so bad, but i never have to time to work somewhere else, cause i'm always there.
This year, I gotta make some moves to live a fulfilling life. Do things that bring joy to me, and to others. Better me, lift me up...
I dont know what's gonna happen, thats alright with me. I open up my arms, and I embrace the mystery! ~India.Arie
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